Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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