Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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