Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
