Soap is not a condiment
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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