when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
