so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize