Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
