Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
