Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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