K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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