phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
