she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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