shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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