Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
