Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
