So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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