I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
