I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
