DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
