At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
