My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
