Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
