i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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