i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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