I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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