I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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