You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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