Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
