Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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