i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
