plz talk dirty to me
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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