the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
we're so committed to being not committed
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
