my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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