He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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