I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
