would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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