My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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