I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize