Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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