He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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