so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
