Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
