Soap is not a condiment
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
