I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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