theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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