I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
