My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize