onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
