thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
