I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
