in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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