I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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