I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
